The Neighbourhood Watch Guide To Dealing With Supernatural Neighbours

Is your neighbour chewing on the mailman?  Are they experiencing a late stage of decomposition but still capable of basic motor functions?  Then your neighbour might be a zombie.  This is obviously something that must be dealt with immediately.  We recommend following the directions outlined in The Walking Dead Spike TV Scream Awards commercial and directly applying a slug from a pump-action Remington 870 to your neighbour’s brain and, to be safe, the mailman’s as well.

                Does your neighbour never appear during the day except on extremely cloudy days?  Is there an unusual amount of bat activity around his house after dark?  Then your neighbour might be a vampire.  Unless you’re dealing with a Stephanie Meyer class of vampire, breaking into their house during the day while they’re asleep and ensuring a liberal staking of their heart is your best course of action.

                Is your neighbour normal and friendly for every day of the month except when the moon is full?  On those nights is there an increased amount of wolf activity in your area?  Then your neighbour might be a werewolf.  Remember that silver wedding band you gave to your spouse?  It’s time to melt that down for some silver bullets and hope you don’t miss when you aim for the heart.  You probably won’t get a second chance.

                Warning: This Guide claims no responsibility for any death, maiming, or accidental transformation into any of the aforementioned supernatural creatures as a result of following this Guide’s instructions.